We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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