Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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