im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
