Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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