So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
