I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
