Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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