checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
