ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
