It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
