I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
