she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Randomize
