I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
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