I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
