I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize