Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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