the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
