I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
