i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize