There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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