It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Randomize
