I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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