Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I met the friendliest cop last night
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
