I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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