If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
