I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
