I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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