haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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