went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
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