I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
