I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
