Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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