My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
The best revenge is premature balding
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
