I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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