Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
