The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
