At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
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