proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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