maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
