Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
