Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize
