It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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