Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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