Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
