I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
