Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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