i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
