Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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