I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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