omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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