I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
