I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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