There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
