The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
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