So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
