Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I think your dad took our porno
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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