Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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