So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I smell stomach acid.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
