her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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