he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
