Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
