you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
