I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
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