Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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