I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
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