Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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