In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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