also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
