remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Randomize
