that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Randomize
