If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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