There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize