A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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